My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday – A Revolutionary Journey into Women’s Physical Fantasies
My Secret Garden is a groundbreaking
exploration into the hidden landscapes of desire, where women’s deepest, most
unspoken fantasies bloom freely, untamed by societal expectation or shame.
Nancy Friday’s revelatory work peels back the layers of
silence and taboo, offering an intimate, unfiltered glimpse into the erotic
imaginations of women—stories that are at once surprising, provocative, and
profoundly liberating.
More than just a collection of confessions, this book is a
defiant celebration of female sexuality in all its complexity, challenging the
myth of passive desire and revealing the vibrant, untold truths that flourish
behind closed eyes."
Introduction
Liberation. Longing. Language.
These three words quietly stirred inside me as I began
reading My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday—a daring literary
expedition first published in 1973 and most recently republished by Pocket
Books in 2008. Far from being a mere anthology of anonymous women’s fantasies,
the book stands as a vital socio-psychological document, probing the unspoken
erotic lives of women and dismantling centuries-old sexual taboos.
The author, Nancy Friday, was not a clinical psychologist or
a medical doctor. She was a journalist, essayist, and an intellectual
provocateur whose work sparked decades of debate and insight into the
psychology of female sexuality.
My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies was
her debut, born not of academia, but of personal experience and cultural
frustration. It was a bold answer to an era that assumed women lacked sexual
imagination—an assumption that Friday shattered with empirical depth and poetic
candor.
At its core, My Secret Garden is an
unapologetic exploration of the central thesis: that women fantasize, deeply
and often, and that these fantasies—far from being shameful—are essential
expressions of desire, power, frustration, trauma, and pleasure. As Friday
states with gentle defiance: “They expand, heighten, distort or exaggerate
reality… They present the astonished self with the incredible, the opportunity
to entertain the impossible”
This review is not merely a critique of a book—it is a
recognition of a cultural keystone, a feminist reclaiming of the inner erotic
life, and a personal reckoning with the ways society still, decades later,
teaches women to be ashamed of their desires.
Summary
My Secret Garden is not structured like
traditional narrative nonfiction. Instead, it is a thematic compilation of
hundreds of women’s personal sexual fantasies, divided across seven chapters
and numerous sub-sections. The book is prefaced by a moving foreword by “J,” author
of The Sensuous Woman, who acknowledges the book as both
“clinical work” and “uncompromisingly candid and unabashedly erotic”.
Chapter One introduces Friday’s own journey
into the taboo world of female fantasy. Her vulnerability is immediate: after
sharing a fantasy with her lover during sex, he recoils, dresses, and leaves
her. This moment, Friday reveals, catalyzes the need to explore why such
fantasies—especially when spoken aloud—are so emotionally charged: “I told him
what I’d been thinking. He got out of bed, put on his pants and went home”.
Subsequent chapters delve into themed narratives—ranging
from fantasies triggered by frustration and insufficiency, to
those focused on dominance, submission, pain, masturbation,
group sex, incest, and even zoophilia (a paraphilia [sexual
arousal to atypical objects, situations, and/or targets (eg, children, corpses,
animals)] in which a person experiences a sexual fixation on non-human animals).
These fantasies are recounted in women's own voices, many
through direct letters sent to Friday in response to a newspaper ad: “Thank
God, I can tell these thoughts to someone… I’ve always been ashamed of them”.
Far from titillation, the structure provides a deep insight
into the psychic frameworks of women’s lives. As Friday notes, “Most people
think women’s sexual fantasies fill a need, a vacancy; that they are taking the
place of The Real Thing…” , but this book challenges that assumption
head-on.
The organizational structure is thematic, not chronological,
with each room of the titular “House of Fantasy” serving as a metaphorical
space in which readers can confront, contemplate, or even confess their own
hidden desires.
Critical Analysis
Friday’s strength lies in her approach to sexual
subjectivity with both clinical detachment and poetic empathy. She does not
analyze fantasies as a psychiatrist might; rather, she frames them as valid
emotional experiences.
This approach allows readers to see the fantasies not as
symptoms, but as statements of identity, desire, and rebellion.
A particularly compelling moment arises when Friday explains
how deeply internalized shame has silenced generations of women: “We had
imprisoned each other, betrayed our own sex and ourselves”. This is not
just a book about sex—it is a book about patriarchy, repression, and the
emotional labor women perform to maintain male egos and societal norms.
The inclusion of hundreds of women's voices gives the book a
rare authenticity. They range from housewives and students to professionals and
retirees. Their voices often contradict one another, and that's the point.
There is no "normal" fantasy. As Friday puts it, “Fantasy should
be thought of as an extension of one’s sexuality”.
Style and Accessibility
Friday’s prose is personal and unfiltered. Her own stories,
insecurities, and confessions serve as connective tissue between the anonymous
letters. She invites the reader to observe, not judge.
And she never sensationalizes. Even the most extreme
fantasies—bestiality, incest, rape scenarios—are treated with the same empathy
as fantasies of tenderness or exhibitionism.
The writing is often lyrical: “My fantasies to him
were a sudden unveiling of a new garden of pleasure, as yet unknown to him,
into which I would invite him”. Her metaphors are garden-like—lush,
tangled, and intimate—and her commitment to emotional honesty makes even the
darkest corners feel safe to enter.
Themes and Relevance
The central theme of My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday
is not sexuality alone, but the reclamation of the right to imagine. In
2025, with the continued resurgence of feminist literature and #MeToo
narratives, the book remains startlingly relevant.
We live in a society where women’s bodies are politicized,
commodified, and scrutinized. But fantasy—the innermost expression of personal
agency—is still rarely discussed. Friday knew this. “The world wasn’t ready
yet for female sexual fantasy”, she said in the early 1970s. Are we now?
Nancy Friday’s authority is not academic but experiential.
Her research was self-directed and people-powered. She sourced letters,
interviews, and conversations from real women who trusted her with their
secrets.
This trust is the backbone of the book. And because she does
not pathologize or moralize, her authority rests in empathy, not expertise—a
bold choice that pays off.
Strengths and Weaknesses
Candor. Complexity. Courage.
It’s rare to find a book that simultaneously serves as a
confessional, a sociological study, and a liberation manifesto.
But My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday manages
this feat with an audacity that borders on revolutionary. One of the book’s
greatest strengths is its unapologetic honesty.
Friday pulls no punches—neither in her own narrative nor in
the stories she collects. This creates a space where women, long taught to
suppress their sexuality, can feel seen, heard, and validated.
The variety of fantasies is another triumph. From the
startlingly raw to the poetic and romantic, each account serves as a reflection
of a multifaceted and often contradictory erotic inner life. Take, for
instance, the haunting reflection from a woman who is repulsed by her own
fantasy of bestiality, yet cannot stop its recurrence: “Do you suppose this
is all due to lesbian tendencies and my secret desire to be watched by a young
boy?”. Instead of judging this fantasy, Friday invites us to ask why
repression often manifests in disturbing images, and how fantasy allows taboo
to be processed without action.
Another striking strength is the subtle literary structure
of the "House of Fantasy" in Chapter Three, where
Friday invites us to wander through metaphorical rooms: "Room Number One:
Anonymity," "Room Number Three: Rape," "Room
Number Ten: Incest." The spatial metaphor helps depersonalize the
more intense fantasies and reminds us that the erotic imagination, like a
house, has many doors and hidden staircases.
But the book is not without its weaknesses—though many are
not faults of Friday herself, but rather limitations of her methodology or the
time in which she wrote. For instance, while the book is inclusive of a wide
range of desires, it is limited in terms of racial, cultural, and
socio-economic diversity. The majority of the women quoted are Western, white,
and middle-class.
Voices from queer, trans, or non-Western perspectives are
nearly absent, though Friday does include a chapter on lesbian fantasies, which
was progressive for its time.
Additionally, some critics argue that Friday does not engage
in enough rigorous psychological analysis.
But that, I believe, was never the point. As she herself
explains: “I wasn’t attempting to play doctor in the house to my women
contributors… My belief was… the woman who fantasizes will have a background
against which to place herself”.
10 Takeaways from My Secret Garden
1. Women Do Fantasize—and Often, Profoundly
One of the central revelations of My Secret Garden by
Nancy Friday is simply this: women have rich, varied, and
frequent sexual fantasies. Contrary to the myth that men are the more
imaginative or sexually driven gender, Friday shows how women’s inner lives are
filled with vibrant erotic scripts—many more intense and daring than popular
culture would dare to admit.
“The average woman is not consciously aware of her
fantasies, and if she is, would not dream of telling anyone”.
“They exist only for their elasticity, their ability to
instantly incorporate any new character, image or idea”.
These fantasies are not just about sex—they're about power,
identity, emotional wounds, self-expression, and transformation.
2. Fantasy Is Not a Sign of Dissatisfaction
One of the most profound takeaways is that fantasizing
during sex does not imply dissatisfaction with one's partner.
Rather, it’s a parallel mental experience that can heighten arousal, deepen
pleasure, and unlock emotional truths.
Nancy Friday makes it clear that even deeply fulfilled women
fantasize—sometimes especially so.
“Some of the happiest, most sexually satisfied women I’ve
talked to fantasize… What I am saying is simple: we women are traditionally
prone to and expert at fantasy”.
Fantasy and real-life love are not in conflict. They can
coexist, overlap, and even fuel each other.
3. The Power of Anonymity in Women's Desires
Several fantasies involve being taken by strangers, being
anonymous, or engaging in acts in public or taboo spaces. These scenarios often
relate to shedding responsibility and exploring hidden aspects of the
self without guilt.
“Room Number One: Anonymity” explores how women enjoy being
unknown, unseen, or unrecognizable.
“They never get in the way or object in any way” – a
recurring fantasy element where others witness but never intervene.
This shows that fantasy gives women an emotional license to suspend
control, which is often denied to them in their social roles.
4. Shame and Guilt Are Inherited—and Harmful
Many women in the book struggle with deep-rooted shame
around their fantasies.
These are not feelings they were born with but learned from
family, religion, media, and romantic partners. Friday repeatedly critiques
this emotional inheritance and urges readers to liberate themselves.
“I have always been ashamed of them, feeling that other
people would think them unnatural and consider me a nymphomaniac or a pervert”.
“We had imprisoned each other, betrayed our own sex and
ourselves”.
My Secret Garden functions as both a
confessional and a healing balm—encouraging women to forgive themselves
and recognize that imagination is not sin.
5. Men Are Often Uncomfortable with Women's Fantasies
One of the most emotionally painful but truthful points in
the book is how men frequently respond with confusion, jealousy, or fear
when confronted with their partners' fantasies. In the opening story, Friday’s
lover walks out after hearing hers.
“He got out of bed, put on his pants and went home”.
“Why isn’t she thinking about him?” asked the editor who
rejected her fictional fantasy chapter.
This discomfort points to how fragile many men’s s*exual
egos can be when faced with a woman's independent desire—a tension that
continues to resonate in modern relationships.
6. Women Use Fantasy as a Tool for Self-Empowerment
Fantasy is not just escapism—it can be a conscious act of
self-construction and power. For some women, especially those repressed or
unfulfilled in real life, fantasy becomes the one place where they can take
control, direct the script, and express untamed parts of themselves.
“I am rarely nude, usually wearing a dress; but never
panties or tights so that I show myself very easily and am always available”.
“In my case… while the people are just ordinary, the
circumstances are larger than life”.
Fantasy becomes a stage where the woman becomes the
writer, director, and lead actress of her own desire.
7. The Diversity of Fantasies Reveals Complex Identities
The fantasies range from romantic and tender to violent and
taboo. They include rape fantasies, bestiality, incest, lesbian desire,
domination, submission, and exhibitionism. Rather than categorize these
as “sick” or “perverse,” Friday presents them as reflections of complex inner
lives.
“Fantasy should be thought of as an extension of one’s
sexuality”.
“One man acts as my husband or guardian… He tells the men
I’m easily embarrassed but basically an exhibitionist”.
These reveal not moral failures but emotional
landscapes—where vulnerability, fear, power, pleasure, and trauma intermingle.
8. Sexual Liberation Is Incomplete Without Psychological Freedom
Even in the so-called “liberated” 1970s, women may have had
access to contraception and divorce—but mental and emotional liberation
lagged far behind. Friday insists that unless women can accept their own
sexual imagination, any external freedom is hollow.
“What indeed was it to be a woman? Unwilling to argue… I
picked up myself, my novel, and my fantasies and went home”.
“The woman who fantasizes will have a background against
which to place herself”.
Freedom, in other words, starts in the mind. And My
Secret Garden by Nancy Friday gives us the permission structure to
begin.
9. Sharing Fantasies Can Build Deeper Intimacy—If Safe
The book does not suggest that every woman must share her
fantasies—but it does explore how sharing fantasies can create deeper
intimacy and trust when done with the right partner. In contrast, premature
or unsafe sharing can lead to rejection, as Friday experienced herself.
“My fantasies to him were a sudden unveiling of a new garden
of pleasure… into which I would invite him”.
“The smart woman will know just how much her lover wants to
hear”.
Fantasy is a form of truth-telling—but like all truths, it
must be handled with care, timing, and emotional safety.
10. Fantasy Is a Pathway to Healing and Wholeness
Ultimately, the greatest lesson My Secret Garden by
Nancy Friday offers is that fantasy, when embraced without shame,
becomes a tool for healing. For women who've been abused, ignored,
judged, or repressed, fantasy provides emotional catharsis and a rebalancing of
power.
“I find my own fantasies are funnier than some, less poetic
than others… but they are my own”.
“They are sea pebbles upon which the waters have dried. Is
that a mystery? So are we all”.
This closing metaphor transforms fantasy into art, into
memory, into something fragile and beautiful that helps women reconnect with
themselves.
Comparison with Similar Works
Compared to The Sensuous Woman by “J” or Fear
of Flying and Gillian Anderson’s Want: Sexual Fantasies by Anonymous. by Erica
Jong, My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is far more experimental
and daring.
It lacks the polished structure of a self-help guide or a
novel, but this rawness makes it powerful. Jong’s “zipless fuck” became a
symbol of female sexual freedom, but Friday went one step further: she showed
us the inner cinema behind the act, where desire plays without consequence.
It also paved the way for later, more clinical or literary
explorations of sexuality like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
or Women on Top, also by Friday. Yet none of these have the shock
value or seismic cultural impact of My Secret Garden.
Women’s Incest Fantasie
In My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, the topic
of incest is discussed openly, primarily in “Room Number Ten:
Incest” of The House of Fantasy section.
Friday neither endorses nor condemns the fantasies shared,
instead presenting them as deeply personal expressions of women's private inner
lives. Here is everything the author and the contributors say on the subject of
incest:
Nancy Friday’s Commentary on Incest Fantasies
Nancy Friday begins by noting the absence of attention
incest fantasies receive in psychological literature compared to male
fantasies, despite being “often the most potent and lasting” for many women.
She references Freud, noting that while Freud initially
believed women’s tales of rape by fathers or brothers, he later dismissed them
as fantasies stemming from the dominance of the “Man of the House,” a
symbolically powerful patriarchal figure.
However, Friday emphasizes she is not qualified to
assess the psychological implications of incest fantasies but believes women
have as much preoccupation with them as men, though society rarely acknowledges
this.
Incest Fantasies Shared by Women
Bella
Bella, a 32-year-old nurse, confesses that her fantasies
“revolve around incest, almost any kind of incest,” and she actively sought
information and Greek myths involving incest.
Her main fantasy has always involved her father, who
became her “fantasy lover” from age eight. She recounts a vivid memory of
sitting on his erect penis while play-wrestling in bed, a moment that marked
her first masturbation experience.
She continued fantasizing about him throughout her teens,
creating elaborate recurring scenarios involving her father urinating in the
woods—these became the core of her masturbation fantasies.
Bella questions whether there’s any “cure” and expresses
fear of acting on her desire, as well as the risk of legal prosecution.
Dominique
Dominique fantasizes about being selected by a father
to sexually initiate his 14-year-old son while the father watches. The arousal
for her lies more in the father’s presence and approval than in the act itself.
She expands her fantasy to include full family o*rgies,
with everyone—mothers, fathers, daughters, sons—participating. She describes
the scene as “very happy, very sensual,” concluding with the line: “The family
that f*ucks together stays together.”
Lola
Lola was blackmailed by her two brothers at age 14
into having sex with schoolboys while they watched and instructed.
Though they never physically engaged with her, they became
central figures in her in*cest fantasies. She fantasized about them
joining her in bed and masturbated while imagining one penetrating her and the
other ejaculating on her face. These fantasies persisted into her fifties.
She sometimes included her brothers' wives in the
fantasies, making it a group family scene, and argued that such incestuous
dynamics are more common than people think, even in “the best of families”.
Nancy Friday’s Personal Fantasy
In the opening chapter, Friday briefly alludes to her own
fantasy involving her Great Uncle Henry, imagining him doing things to
her “under the table” while she is disguised as a boy. This fantasy, she notes,
like many others, involves distortion and dream-like elasticity.
These fantasies often begin in childhood, as
Bella and Lola describe, and are heavily influenced by early affection, family
dynamics, and moments of innocent physical contact that become eroticized in
memory.
Nancy Friday treats these disclosures as part of a broader
exploration of female sexual imagination, often driven by taboo and
emotional intensity rather than desire for real-life fulfillment.
The chapter avoids moral judgment, instead providing a space
for honest expression of desire, guilt, and fantasy. Women often express
internal conflict—shame, fear, excitement—surrounding these fantasies.
Rape fantasies
This section of the book explores rape fantasies—a
complex and often misunderstood aspect of female sexual imagination. Nancy
Friday emphasizes that fantasy is not reality, and most women who
experience such fantasies have no actual desire to be raped.
Instead, the theme centers on the psychological and
emotional nuances of surrender, powerlessness, and release from
responsibility.
The Psychological Framing
Friday introduces the idea that rape fantasies function like
a “first martini”—a symbolic removal of guilt and control:
"By putting herself in the hands of her fantasy
assailant – by making him an assailant – she gets him to do what she wants him
to do, while seeming to be forced to do what he wants."
This mechanism allows the woman to engage with her desires
without facing internalized societal guilt. She is “at the mercy of a force
stronger than herself, thus guiltless in the pleasure she derives.
Friday argues that the emotional charge, not the
narrative of the act, is central. It is not the rape plot itself, but the
feelings of submission, helplessness, and overwhelming lust that provide
the psychological fuel for these fantasies.
Contributors and Their Fantasies
1. Julietta
A self-proclaimed feminist, Julietta describes enjoying
being “forced” in fantasy—though she clarifies she would never want such an
experience in reality. Her fantasy seems to reconcile the conflict between
her liberated identity and lingering societal conditioning:
“Whatever there is left in me of the girl my mother
preferred, that girl wants to think that it’s not really her fault, that she’s
being forced into this sexual scene.”
2. Gail
She recounts a near-rape experience that terrified her, but
later became eroticized in fantasy:
“At times, even though I know it’s wrong or crazy, I have
fantasies that he is trying to rape me... I become awfully excited at these
thoughts.”
Her fantasy blends fear, power, guilt, and attraction,
showing how real experiences can become reprocessed and transformed in the
mind.
3. Dinah
Dinah, a bisexual university student, shares intense group
rape fantasies set in Southern towns and drugstores. In one, she’s assaulted by
a group of men who force her to “try out” contraceptive cream:
“They squeeze cream into my vagina and anus… I have to
get on top of a man… while another is inside my mouth.”
This illustrates a total loss of agency, a central
element in her sexual arousal.
4. Sadie
Sadie details group fantasies involving fraternity
initiations and being a “bottomless waitress”:
“I am being raped by one man or a group of men… They take
what they want and the hell with what I want—or pretend I want.
Her fantasy involves both spectacle and submission,
with a voyeuristic angle as others observe the act.
Key Themes and Insights
Fantasy vs. Reality
Friday repeatedly affirms that these fantasies are not
expressions of a real desire to be raped. The women often express fear
and revulsion toward actual assault.
Control and Surrender
Many of the contributors are independent or progressive
women, making the idea of being overpowered more provocative. It allows
for a temporary suspension of autonomy, which some find erotic.
Emotional Catharsis
These fantasies often lead to powerful orgasms or even
tears. For example, one woman describes:
“Release after release after release. I sometimes finish
this fantasy weeping. With just the pleasure and happiness of it, you
understand?”
It’s not just sexual gratification but a deep emotional
purge.
Hidden Desires and Cultural Guilt
Friday suggests these fantasies reflect the conflict
between cultural conditioning and personal desire. They are a way to reclaim
desire without self-judgment.
Conclusion
Reading My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is
not simply reading about sex. It is reading about language, silence, and what
it means to be human. It is about being allowed—to want, to imagine, to
not be perfect. It reminds us that fantasy is not deviance. It is invention. It
is the space where identity and desire intersect without judgment.
This is a book I recommend wholeheartedly—not just to women,
but to men, educators, therapists, partners, and anyone who wants to understand
the uncharted terrain of the female erotic imagination. It is, in the words of
"J," “a milestone in sex education… the first book of its kind… a
book that forces us to acknowledge the probability that fantasies are as
necessary to our sexual well-being as dreams are to healthy sleep”.
Some may recoil at the darker elements—the rape scenarios,
the incest fantasies, the voyeurism—but Friday never asks you to agree or act
on these fantasies. She simply asks you to listen. And in listening, we
are all changed.
To this day, many women still hesitate to voice their inner
erotic world. For them, My Secret Garden can be a mirror, a map,
and a friend. For others, it is a time capsule of 1970s feminism that still
feels radical today. In either case, it is vital reading.